Low season...
I've been listening to 'love on the rocks' since I got in the office this morning..I got a little bit terrified how this song really get in to me...I guess it's because of my change of mood since yesterday..I feel a bit down today..I think..Reading back what I wrote previously is slightly worrying too..I just feel a bit weird that I'm feeling all these craps inside when few days ago..I was all bright and radiant about life....
I woke up this morning feeling a bit uneasy..well actually I don't know what's the best term/word to call the feeling I have inside..an undescribable feeling, but I was ready to switch to normal everything-is-ok mode as my parents are due to arrive during lunch time and I have to send them back to KB..but I'm tired of faking normalcy when my unhealthy obssession over suicide is much too strong..Kidding...Somehow I retained the little scrap of fight though, enough to get me here today..
What is strange with all this, is how these awful, crushing, suicidal lows can be so fleeting..Ok..don't talk about suiciding..I will never do it...I find myself wondering why I drop to such lows so quickly, but then come back up to this moderately-depressed state just as quick as I’d fallen.. It scares me that one day I won’t come back up.. I also find myself frustrated as I don’t know what to do with myself when I fall down there... What happens if I do give up the fight and give in to the thoughts? All I might have needed is a couple more days and I might have come back up again.. What is frustrating is I won’t remember all of this next time I fall. I will feel completely overwhelmed and unable to cope, just as I have time and time again before...
Aside from that, I wonder if this nothingness, moderate depression is the best I can hope for... It seems to be my normal state these days - so maybe that is normal? I know I haven’t tried medication and that might be what I need to push this to normal, but then I wonder if it will really help, or if I am naturally like this.. Maybe I’m not meant to feel anything.. Maybe a low mood is normal? What would I know? I’ve nothing to compare it to....
I need something or maybe someone to boost up my mood...this is the time when eating is not an option at all....
I woke up this morning feeling a bit uneasy..well actually I don't know what's the best term/word to call the feeling I have inside..an undescribable feeling, but I was ready to switch to normal everything-is-ok mode as my parents are due to arrive during lunch time and I have to send them back to KB..but I'm tired of faking normalcy when my unhealthy obssession over suicide is much too strong..Kidding...Somehow I retained the little scrap of fight though, enough to get me here today..
What is strange with all this, is how these awful, crushing, suicidal lows can be so fleeting..Ok..don't talk about suiciding..I will never do it...I find myself wondering why I drop to such lows so quickly, but then come back up to this moderately-depressed state just as quick as I’d fallen.. It scares me that one day I won’t come back up.. I also find myself frustrated as I don’t know what to do with myself when I fall down there... What happens if I do give up the fight and give in to the thoughts? All I might have needed is a couple more days and I might have come back up again.. What is frustrating is I won’t remember all of this next time I fall. I will feel completely overwhelmed and unable to cope, just as I have time and time again before...
Aside from that, I wonder if this nothingness, moderate depression is the best I can hope for... It seems to be my normal state these days - so maybe that is normal? I know I haven’t tried medication and that might be what I need to push this to normal, but then I wonder if it will really help, or if I am naturally like this.. Maybe I’m not meant to feel anything.. Maybe a low mood is normal? What would I know? I’ve nothing to compare it to....
I need something or maybe someone to boost up my mood...this is the time when eating is not an option at all....
God loves you! You are not alone! Even though sometimes it may seem that way.
Our God is the God of all comfort! Not even the tiniest details of your life are unnoticed by the Lord! He knows all about you and loves you just the same. He loves you unconditionally.
"God comforts us in all our afflictions so that we may be able to comfort them which are in trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." ~2 Corinthians 1:3-4~
a friend..
hey, thanks...I appreciate it..
Mesh rilex ko sana...jan ko pening2 ba. Muda2 la ni (heh consider la..) ya macam si anonymous ckp tu, sama ada cari GOD atau cari sebotol montoku yang kuat..suma ko sendiri pilih tp jan sesekali amik pilihan terakhir...atau sepatutnya teda dlm pilihan? 'bunuh diri' palis2...huhu
nda la kali mau bunuh diri..sepa mau kasi makan anjing2 sa? hehehe