Random Thoughts

In my previous post 'like only woman can'..there's part where it says..I'm not asking for forgiveness...Well, actually I do...I constantly praying so that I would somehow be forgiven..Most importantly by God for all the wrong doings I have committed...and of course to be forgiven by others for the mistakes I have caused and hurt them...

I was watching the Moment of Truth (thanks to Gur for alarming me..I've been waiting for this) just now..For those of you who have seen this reality show, you would know..how crazy it is..? well basically, it's simple, all you have to do is to tell the truth..it's a yes or no answer only..Simple, right? but..who in the world could answer the most personal question in the world truthfully, and some more..it's a secret that you have been keeping all your life..a secret that might end your marriage, or might cause family break ups?..and of course, the participants of this show are motivated by the money offered..I could seriously tell that my jaw was wide opened when I heard all the answers...Aight, I'll give you an example

Q : Have you ever had sex with anyone else other than your husband?
A : YES
and the machine says ..... The answer is "TRUE"
Q : Do you have any secret that might end up your marriage?
A : Yes
and the machine says ..... The answer is "TRUE"
(Won't you be dying to know what the secret is?)

Okay, she will definitely get the money, but would it be okay with the husband..how would you feel if you are in this situation (you as the husband or vise versa)..The money would make them happy for a while but the hurt the feeling of being betrayed will be carried all through their marriage..Could such thing be ever forgiven and forget?

I wish I had seriously good answers to these questions.. All I really have is my own reasoning.. I don’t think it’s saying what happened was okay.. I’ve made mistakes in my past (as we all have) and I carry them with me.. I carry them because a) I haven’t forgiven myself fully, and b) I haven’t allowed myself to be forgiven entirely.. Why is this so hard? Partly,maybe it’s because I know decisions I’ve made hurt people. They hurt friends and family that I love deeply. They hurt me..And hurt is just not okay with me.

So how do I let things go when I don’t condone them? I leave them where they happened.. Apologies have been said, journals written, prayers prayed.. At some point, I need to let go of the hurt and anger my own actions have caused others and myself.. I cannot control if other people will or won't forgive me.. But I can control forgiving myself, and I have no choice but to be forgiven by God..It was written in the bible that..we are not forgiven only 7 times, but seventy times seven times...That's a lot. right..but that doesn't mean, we are allowed to do the same mistake over and over again and keep on asking to be forgiven....

I know the pain others have brought in my life and the pain I have caused others..at times seems unbearable, but can I somehow move past it? I don't hold any grudge against anyone..But what if they don’t even realize the depths of what they’ve done? Usually, I write... I write as though I am writing them a letter, but I rarely send it or read it to them, actually I never did. Spit it all out, all the dirty truth about everything they’ve done, and everything you’ve done..Tell the truth.. No one else needs to see it. Cry about it if you may.. Pray about it... Lean on others. See the good, and with time, just let it go..forgive and being forgiven and forget...

I'm down on my bended knees.....why is it so hard..to forgive and to be forgiven (entirely)..