Random Thoughts

today like the days before was quite boring..it's the exam week, and I was not invigilating today..I just got my schedule for next semester, and there are two new subjects for me to teach..I hate being given new subjects, because, I have to re-develop them myself..Luckily the boss wannabe was not in today, so I can pretty much relax and do my work without having to hear her irritating mumbles..

I realize, lately I've been really moody in the office, and I don't have the motivation to work anymore..I'm not sure why?? Owh yess, I know what exactly bothering me, apart from the usual gossipings of which I was used to and couldn't be bothered much..there's something which is more personal that I, sometimes can't handle..

I used to be very nice to everyone, but I guess that was just foolish..From now on, I will speak up my mind..I'm not trying to be a hard headed bastard anyway, I just want people to look at me, coz I do know being honest and straightfoward is the only best excuse, eventhough, it sometimes hurt..Or..it hurts all the time..But, then again, it is never good to use your honesty for you to get yourself away from a situation that you have been deeply involved in..Ughh..I'm getting confuse myself..yeah..what do I expect, these worldly things have lots and more confusions to offer...

Sometimes, I find myself being in too deep with my emotions..there are lots of things to be taken into real careful consideration..and most of the time, all those endless thoughts only leave me with hurtful suffocations..I'm not trying to make people understand me..doing just that is only a waste of time and energy..Making people believe in me is as difficult as asking the donkey to sing a hymn..They would never be able to, only Him can understand my deepest heart and soul..

...there were times when I let all those feelings flow, and just let my heart be thrilled, excite, mesmerized and be hurt..I'm battling with my innermost feelings..What do I want in my life? What do I want to prove? Why? How? When? everything needs an answer, and I know that it lies somewhere between my ego and my pride..Well, I found out that, life demands more than just being able to accommodate all those questions..I have been deeply hurt before, and hurt someone as deeply..and If ever I am going to do it again..let it be for once and all..NEVER AGAIN...as long as I live, I want to live with nothing, but my dignity..That's all I have..