Random Thoughts

It feels like I haven't been writing for ages...writing from deep within myself..and I'm missing it...So much is deep inside me which need, somehow...to be let lose for a while...If you're reading this...you're reading from the deepest part of me...

That’s what I got in my mouth after reading some of my writings here. I thought I was optimistic and well, maybe not happy happy, but contented…serene. Instead I found this fairly bitter, a depressing person writing under my name….How can that be? Granted, since I came, read and retreated to ponder, fester and just think, I’ve been low... Maybe it’s the anticlimax of the season... Or maybe this is how it works….you write something, and that what you hold to be the truth, turns out to be a mistake, at best, or fiction...

Or maybe it’s just plain old me, peaking out from behind that happy, contented mask... I lost my footing, but in doing so I also had to take stock of some more or less painful things. My going back to my bad habits is one, and although one can always blame ones surroundings it’s not honest, and if I can’t be honest with myself, then what? I will of course get a grip... That’s who I am, was fostered to be, but it’s so hard sometimes to be good, do good…all because of what? The eternal award? The knowledge of “being good”? I don’t know, but the road is somehow already mapped out. It doesn’t really matter how much I procrastinate, I’ll get to where I’m going in the end anyway, I know...

Life is of course a struggle... That’s a mantra that’s easy enough to say.. To feel it is another matter I’ve noticed... The struggle of the everyday life, the choices, the excuses…it’s tiresome... I sometimes wish for less awareness. Ouch! That came out just a bit too…..I don’t know what, but what I mean is that for every new insight there’s an added burden of responsibility... To know, or understand more is to have even more choices to make... I undertake my journey within the confines of a mind too easily swayed.. This sounds like an excuse perhaps, but really it isn’t. The struggle between doing right, and giving up, is a hard one, and lately I’ve seem to lose ground... Lose ground I write, as if there’s the “I” versus something else. Some external force, maybe? I think not. Rather I’ve a feeling that the “good” and the “bad” as it should be known, is within. So, I struggle with myself, and I win and I lose according to how my resolve is steadfast, or crumbling.

The end of last year turned out pretty much the same as the start of the new one. And why shouldn’t it?.. We tend to affix names or functions to different days, but in the long run every day’s more or less the same...I wish, I could be better this year...a wish I would love to keep to myself, but...he who knows, would rejoice with me when it turns out positive...I'm eager, not jumping, I'm waiting...with very little or maybe no patience at all...Somehow, I feel I'm strong..and I could survive for another year...

I was watching American Idol last season's finale last night..it was a long marathon actually..For the first time, I heard George Micheal sang his song "Praying for Time"..I guess, it goes well with my entry today...listen to the song in my playlist, as you scroll down and read the lyric...

Praying for time- by George Micheal

These are the days of the open hand
They will not be the last
Look around now
These are the days of the beggars and the choosers

This is the year of the hungry man
Whose place is in the past
Hand in hand with ignorance
And legitimate excuses

The rich declare themselves poor
And most of us are not sure
If we have too much
But we'll take our chances
'Cause God's stopped keeping score
I guess somewhere along the way
He must have let us all out to play
Turned his back and all God's children
Crept out the back door

And it's hard to love, there's so much to hate
Hanging on to hope
When there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above say it's much, much too late
Well maybe we should all be praying for time

These are the days of the empty hand
Oh you hold on to what you can
And charity is a coat you wear twice a year

This is the year of the guilty man
Your television takes a stand
And you find that what was over there is over here

So you scream from behind your door
Say what's mine is mine and not yours
I may have too much but I'll take my chances
'Cause God's stopped keeping score
And you cling to the things they sold you
Did you cover your eyes when they told you
That he can't come back
'Cause he has no children to come back for

It's hard to love there's so much to hate
Hanging on to hope when there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above say it's much too late
So maybe we should all be praying for time